Three Breakdowns A Year Was All I Was Allowed Chapter 08

Nathan first came to Dublin in the second month of my overseas assignment.

I’d just finished a presentation that day.

When the conference room door opened, my coworkers were applauding.

The client shook my hand.

“We’d like you to lead the follow-up projects, too.”

I paused.

“Of course.”

When I turned around, I saw Nathan at the end of the hallway.

He wasn’t frowning the way he used to.

He didn’t ask whether I was pushing myself too hard, either.

He just kept looking at me.

He waited until everyone had left before walking over.

“You’ve lost weight.”

I straightened my documents.

“I’m fine.”

“How’s the project?”

“Good.”

He paused.

“I saw your company’s update.”

“You did a great job.”

It was the first time he’d ever said that to me.

Two months earlier, I probably would’ve cried.

But now, I just nodded.

“Thank you.”

His face fell.

“Claire.”

“I’ve gotten rid of the limit on how many times you can break down.”

“I won’t control your finances anymore, either.”

“Sophie moved out.”

I looked up.

“And?”

He froze.

“I’m changing.”

“I know.”

“Then why do you still…”

I cut him off.

“Nathan.”

“I never wanted more chances to cry.”

“Or your permission to manage my own money.”

“I just wanted to be upset without having to ask myself first whether I had the right to be

day.”

For the first time, his eyes reddened.

“I’m sorry.”

My fingers briefly stilled.

But I didn’t feel the satisfaction I’d imagined.

I only felt tired.

He took out the divorce agreement.

“I haven’t signed it yet.”

“I know.”

upset that

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“You really want a divorce?”

“Yes.”

For a long time, his lips moved without a word coming out.

“Is it because I haven’t done enough these past two months?”

I suddenly laughed.

Even now.

He still saw divorce as a test he could improve his score on if he tried hard enough.

“No.”

“It’s because I’m done waiting for you to get it right.”

He went completely quiet.

He waited outside the office all afternoon.

It suddenly started raining when work ended.

I used to dread weather like this.

But that day, a coworker called to me from under an umbrella,

“Claire, let’s go together.”

I was about to head over when Nathan approached with his umbrella open.

“I’ll take you back.”

“No, thanks.”

His hand went rigid around the umbrella handle.

“Just to your hotel.”

“Really, I don’t need you to.”

I walked past him.

Rain splashed onto the cuffs of my pants.

But I didn’t feel the panic I used to.

He stayed where he was. He didn’t follow.

That night, Three Ninety-Nine asked: [How was today?]

I replied: [Today I finally got an apology I used to want so badly.]

[Are you happy?]

I thought about it for a while.

[No.]

[I’m not sad, either.]

[I just feel like I’ve already moved so far past it.]

He replied: [That’s a good thing.]

I looked out the window.

Down below, that black umbrella was still there.

After a while, Nathan sent a message.

[I’m going back to the States tomorrow.]

[I’ll think about the divorce agreement some more.]

I looked at it for two seconds.

I didn’t answer.

The next day, he really left.

Before he went, he sent just one message:

[Take care of yourself.]

I still didn’t reply.

I worked late that evening.

On the way back to the hotel, the convenience store was still open.

I went in to buy a cup of hot chocolate.

Nathan used to say my stomach was sensitive and I shouldn’t drink whatever I wanted at night.

I stood in front of the refrigerated case and suddenly smiled.

I bought it anyway.

The first sip was a little too hot.

But it was my choice.

Back in my room, I opened the curtains.

The city lights shone in.

A room all to myself wasn’t frightening at all..